Decisions are a part of life, we face them everyday, every turn we take. Personally this was never an issue for me. I am a natural decision-maker, thinking quickly and acting fast. My personal mantra, motion is better than stagnation, rings true in all situations be it life changing decisions such as moving countries, changing jobs or little decisions like choosing the flavour of my morning coffee.
That all changed once my elder daughter was born.. I experience something new, vacillation. Decisions no longer came quickly. Decisiveness replaced by doubt, second guessing myself, feelings of inadequacies and guilt as a result. I was not prepared for the simple fact which should have been obvious- that babies, tiny as they are, hold the power to throw life completely out of whack. You are responsible for a living breathing being whose sustenance, joy, happiness, whose entire future lies in your hands. That is a big responsibility to shoulder. Especially since there is no looking glass into the future to assure you that the decisions you are making for your child will hold them in good stead in the long run. So, to struggle with anxiety and fear in a role we are not schooled for is only normal. It is important though to remember that our children feed off our energy as much as they do the nourishment we provide them. Understanding our apprehensions, being empathetic and forgiving with ourselves, trusting our inner voice, they all go a long way in raising well-balanced, confident individuals who are able to appreciate both the beauties and complexities of life.
Even with my now awareness and understanding of why I started to feel the way I did once my children were born, it is hard to turn off the the switch of self-doubt and flagellation. To help me breathe through those moments where I question myself more than others, I have found the following strategies very helpful. Do read on and hopefully they can help you get through tough moments as much as they have helped me.
• Embracing the uncertainty:
Accepting that uncertainty is a part of life, especially when it comes to parenting. Understand that one can’t control every situation or outcome, and that’s alright. Sometimes all that is certain is that there is no certainty, and in those moments learning to just go with the flow, adapting to the twists and turns as they present themselves. Our parents raised us without the mountains of information that we have access to now, and they did just fine, well even… and so will we.
• Focusing on the present:
Instead of dwelling on a distant future and worrying about the long-term consequences of my decisions, I learned to inhabitthe here and now. Taking each day as it comes. Enjoying the time with my children as they are right now, because this moment will soon be gone and another will take its place. Before we know it the children will be children no more and it is so important to cherish the innocent years, to keepsake the warmbaby smell, the soft hands holding you tight. Allow yourself the indulgence of enjoying the present before moving on to the inevitable future.
• Practicing self-compassion:
Being kind to myself and acknowledging that I am doing the best I can with the resources and knowledge available to me. Lettinggo of perfectionism and allowing myself to make mistakes, knowing that it’s all part of the learning process. Learning to forgive is an integral part of parenting. We just have to learn to direct that forgiveness our own way sometimes.
• Finding a balance:
Striving for a balance between being proactive and letting go. While it’s important sometimes to take necessary action, it’s also crucial to recognize when to step back and allow things to unfold naturally. Somechild psychologists go as far as suggesting that the way to teach your child that a stove is hot is by letting them touch it. While that is a step too far for me and I am not suggesting anyone should ascribe to such an extreme philosophy, it does highlight that there is a middle ground between control and no control. My middle ground maybe different from yours, and yours maybe different fro another’s, but once you find your middle ground it is usually where you will feel the most balanced.
• Trusting your intuition:
Remembering that I know my children better than anyone, and that that knowledge is valuable. Reminding myself of this allowed me to trust that the decisions I was making were all directed toward the general well-being and happiness of my girls. So, trust your gut even when it guides you down unconventional paths.
• Seeking support (MOST helpful personally):
Reaching out to friends, family, or other similarly minded parents who can offer advice or simply lend an empathetic ear. Knowing that you’re not alone in your conundrums provides a sense of relief and perspective. May it be a glass of wine and a good vent amongst friends, a solitary coffee or the luxury of a spa day; do remember to take care of yourself. A healthy happy you equates to healthy happy child(ren). Seek professional help if needed. If none of the above coping mechanisms work and you find yourself overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to seek professional support from a therapist or counsellor.
Mental health is so important and I have learned to pay discomforts of the mind as much heed as I do physical ones. A niggling emotion is as troublesome as a niggling pain in the knee. So, take your niggling issues to the right professional to help you overcome them.
Incorporating these strategies into my daily life, I was able to gradually stop second guessing myself in the process of decision-making and cultivate a greater sense of peace and confidence in my abilities as a parent. I hope some and/or all of the above work for you as well as they have for me.
Remember that parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. The journey is as important as the destination, and it’s okay to ask for directions along the way.